Saturday, 12 April 2014

Glory Brats: fragment

Sparrow stuck her head outside the tent door. The air smelt of damp grass and wet canvas. She could only just make out the shapes of the other tents in the field. A bird hooted from the tree-line and she drew her head back inside quickly. 'Coast's clear.'

As Sparrow re-laced the door, Fiony turned her torch on, shining it in Minnow's eyes.

'Hey, watch it...'

'Sorry!' Fiony giggled and stuck the torch upright in her tin camping mug, padding it out with her facecloth. She angled it away from the other two girls.

Minnow sat up in her sleeping bag and hugged her arms around her knees. She watched Sparrow pad over to the third mat and shuffle back into her own bag.

Sparrow's feet were warm, in her two pairs of socks with her pajama bottoms tucked in under the top pair. She had a jumper on too. It felt odd, and bulky, but it was cold at night, and she'd promised mum.


3 comments:

  1. I would delete the bit about feeble light - the story teller's voice is too much the narrators voice rather than her own at present. You need to cut the descriptive elements, IMO...apart from the bit about skeletons and blood. Kids dig that stuff.

    *Goes back to fangirling*

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is great. I don't have any suggestions as to how to improve it. I had forgotten that feeling of being a kid having a feast and being scared by friends you are not quite sure whether to believe!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks Katy, yeah that sounds like a good idea.

    Thanks as well, Jenny - glad it brought back some (...happy?) memories!

    ReplyDelete